When You Come Near To Me, I Go Away

Finally. It happened. I have waited for years. I dreamed of this moment. I mulled about what it would feel like when it came. I sang songs for the aether and wrote love poetry for the dead to inspire my desires.
And now it is done.
I'm not entirely sure what will happen to me now. I may not be as changed as I had hoped. The excitement may wear off and this will pass quietly into my memory, lost, as it were, like a brown leaf fallen in mid autumn within the deep forest.

I had found a knife on Thursday during my travels and ramblings in the city. Tonight I examined it lovingly while listening to When.
I knew it was sharp.
I did.
But that did not stop me from gently sliding it across my neck, softly, slowly. I feel into a trance as Vincent crooned. My deep desire rose like a growl from the profundity of my psyche and crescendoed into my arms and hands and fingers. My heart pounded and I knew this was the moment. I knew it was going to happen. My weak protest for self preservation, stifled by my stupor, was washed out like a tracing in the sand by a wave, completely overcome by the power of my sick desire. The knife pressed into my flesh. My heart soared and my joy was inexpressible.
And then I felt it.
For a split moment I denied what I had done, what I was feeling. It couldn't be true. It couldn't have happened but it was impossible to oppose the certainty of my now exposed nerve receptors.
I had never been so affected by pain before. The knife clattered to the floor and I rubbed by neck in shock and horror.

"Let me softly caress you with my sword." Is what I told him, in a British accent, as I held his father's sword to his throat. The fear and confusion in his eyes was intoxicating. I had him in my power completely. His love for me had given him a shield of disbelief and gave him the delusion that I was only kidding, that we were only playing around but that shield quickly melted into a tattered veil as I persisted. I wish I could have seen the wild madness in my eyes that he must have beheld to frighten him so. Perhaps that is why I seduced myself, why I sat in front of a mirror as the pocket knife found itself at my throat. I coaxed it out, this madness and insanity for a brief moment and though it unnerves me, makes me panic almost, it also intrigues me...

I don't want to be who you think I am. I did, but now... but now I'm only chilled, frightened like a child by lightening. When things are clear to me, I go away. I go away, I go away, I go away, I go away
Who the hell am I...