Monologue

Indoor. Night. 50% spotlight on 19-year-old girl as she sits on her bed.

It's weird to think of people you know masturbating. It's weirder to think of people in your family masturbating. It's downright disturbing to think of your dad looking at porn and masturbating. At the family computer. At 2:57 am. The family room is dark and the computer screen glows whiteblue on dad's face as unholy images burn upside down onto his retinas. It's moving in his pants-

Jesus!

I use that computer. For homework.

Apparently no one in my family knows you're supposed to clear out the downloads folder. I usually just highlight the entire thing, click-holddonwshift-click-rightclick-MovetoTrash. I guess it was the xxxpornotubebabes that caught my eye.

P-O-R-N

I swear, anything remotely related to sex sticks out like sore thumb for those of us in whose household "poo" is a dirty word-- More like a thumb swollen seven times it's normal size painted neon green and growing limbs and a face- you don't know whether to stare or feel guilty for wanting to stare.

Do you feel guilty? Do you feel guilty when you teach 13-year-old boys in church not to touch themselves? What about when you tell me not to have sex? What does that even mean? But you never told me not to masturbate. I guess because girls don't masturbate. I didn't even know what masturbation was until my bishop asked me if I did it and I realized I did.

Ma-stur-ba-tion.

I guess everything has a word.

Hypocrisy.

That's a word.

I asked him about it when we were driving in his truck.
"Dad, do you look at porn?"

There was this time when I was watching Juno with him and there was some indie kid sort of kitschy sex scene. I remember he acted like he was offended, like, really appalled. He shook his head and made a series of annoyed, sharp signs. Expirations I guess. And I knew that he was pretending, putting on a show for me.

Just like when I asked you.

I wish I wouldn't have. Because then you wouldn't have lied. To me.

Maybe if you would have told me I would have told you and we could go to hell together.
But were all in our separate rooms, you're on the couch on having sex with mom, at least two of the five of us masturbating alone, not talking about sex, literally left in the dark when it comes to being human.

In the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.